To Zeke,
A friend of mine is pregnant and is decorating the baby’s nursery. She’s got all the normal stuff in it, a crib, stuffed animals, etc., but she has also hung a crucifix conspicuously on the wall. I find it distasteful. It’s scary, actually. I want to tell my friend that I think she should take down the crucifix, but I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything. She’s very religious and would be really offended if I told her point blank that a nursery is no place for a crucifix. How should I handle this?
From Zeke:
I’ll tell you what you do. The first thing you do is, you sit her down and make her watch The Exorcist. It won’t help, but it sure will be fun to watch her reaction! Next thing is, here’s what you don’t do: Don’t say anything bad about the crucifix, ‘cause that’s gonna confuse her and make her angry. If she don’t already see that the crucifix may not be appropriate for a baby’s eyes, you ain’t gonna convince her that it ain’t appropriate. The good news is, there’s lots of people like your friend out there. So this is an opportunity for you to do something nice for all those babies with a crucifix in their nursery—and for you to make lots of money, too. This is what my cousin Virgil calls an “entrepreneurial opportunity” and it’s also a win-win situation.
Now here’s what you do: Start a baby toy company that manufactures crucifixes that are appropriate for babies’ eyes. You can do this right in your basement. Take an Elmo doll and stick it on a cross. All your friend’s friends are gonna see it and want one, and then you sell your product to them. Then you can branch out into other products, like dioramas of Ernie and Bert sacking Constantinople and Barney conducting the Inquisition. Soon enough you’re gonna have your own factory and a million dollars in the bank, and babies everywhere are gonna sleep better.