Category Archives: No-Brainer


Scrimp on the Barbie

Zeke,

My gas grill is eight years old, and it’s getting kind of rusty and worn out. It looks like it will need new burners and cooking grates, and maybe a few other things. I’ll probably have to spend about $100 to fix it up. Do you think I should fix the old grill or bite the bullet and spend $300 on a new one?

 

From Zeke:

Buying new things is nice, but it’s not always the best thing to do. If you buy a new grill you have to throw out the old grill, which clutters up a landfill and pollutes the earth.

I’d like to see you take a stand against this throw-away culture of ours and fix the old grill. People used to be resourceful. People used to mend their britches when they wore out. People used to do the right thing and fix stuff when it broke, not throw it out and buy something new ‘cause it was easier.

Of course if I were in your situation, I’d just buy a new grill. That’s why it’s even more important for you to take a stand.

Musty or Mustn’t He

Zeke,

My family and I have been living in a rented bi-level house for the past five months. It’s a decent house overall, but the downstairs living room smells so musty that no one wants to spend any time down there, and my wife and I won’t let our 5 year-old son play in a room that (we think) may have moldy carpet. The fact that we seem to be living with unhealthy air is very upsetting. It’s also upsetting that we’re paying rent to use that living space and we can’t really use it. We’re also concerned that everything we keep downstairs, especially the furniture, will be ruined by the stink. I’ve asked the landlord to replace the carpet, but he says he won’t. He won’t even admit that there’s a smell and has hinted that I’m just scheming to get new carpet. The truth is that I really don’t care about the carpet, what I want is clean air, but the landlord stubbornly refuses to address the problem. What should I do?

 

From Zeke:

I’ll tell you what you do. The first thing you do is go out and buy yourself two electronic air purifiers, and make sure they have HEPA filters. HEPA filters are made of a fibers that tiny particles will stick to, like flypaper for mold. You take one of the air purifiers and put it in your downstairs room and let it run continuously. It may take a week or so, but the stink will go away. These HEPA filters are used all the time in homes but they’re also in hospitals, laboratories, big factories. They’re industrial. They can get the stink out of almost anything. Once you got your first air purifier set up, then get the second air purifier, take it over to the landlord’s house, and tell him to stand next to it and see if the stink goes away. HEPA filters can get the stink out of almost anything.

The first scenario of how this will play out is that the landlord will get the point that you’re trying to tell him. That’s the best outcome—you get clean air, the landlord looks like an ninny.  In scenario two, the landlord might not get the joke or might not want to get the joke. He might act like you’re just giving him an air purifier, maybe as a present to show your appreciation for him not replacing the carpet. And next time you need something fixed, he might hold out for another gift, like a new refrigerator. In this scenario, you get the clean air, but the landlord gets new appliances, which you paid for, in his own house.

Now, scenario one is most likely to happen, but who knows? Sometimes the dumbasses win.

Tiramisuse

Zeke,

My husband has a lifelong aversion to cheese. He’s not allergic to it, he just doesn’t like it. He won’t eat anything with cheese in it—unless he doesn’t know there’s cheese in it. You see, about a year ago we went out to eat and he ordered tiramisu for dessert, and he loved it. Since then, he’s been ordering it whenever he sees it on a menu. The problem is, I just found out that tiramisu is made with mascarpone cheese, but my husband still doesn’t know. Should I tell my husband about this and ruin tiramisu forever, or should I keep this information to myself, even though I’d basically be lying to him?

 

From Zeke:

This here is a no-brainer—you keep lying to him. If you love your husband, you should lie to him to make sure that you don’t upset him. How’s he gonna feel if he finds out he’s been eating cheese this whole time? And you’re gonna ruin his favorite dessert for him. He’s never gonna eat tiramisu again. He may never eat dessert again. In fact, he may start seeing cheese everywhere and stop eating altogether. So you should keep lying if you love your husband.

Now, if you can’t stand your husband, you should also keep lying to him. Any time he makes you hot under the collar, you can feel better knowing that he’s making a fool of himself with his tiramisu. Better yet, when you two are feuding you can look like the peacemaker by going out and buying him a slice of his favorite tiramisu.

Anyway, your husband may already know about the cheese but doesn’t want to admit it, and he may know that you know, so he’s really counting on you to keep lying so that you can both keep lying. That’s the secret to a healthy marriage!