Get Help From Zeke
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Message from Zeke:
Hey there. I just give honest advice. Cousin Virgil’s got all the book learning. He’s gonna tell you how this works.
Message from Virgil:
Hello friends. I’m Virgil, Zeke’s cousin and also his amanuensis. Yes, I have a formal education, but Zeke has the wisdom. Zeke does not use technology, so I will relay your questions to him and transcribe his response. I’m merely a researcher and a scribe; the advice comes from Zeke.
To get advice from Zeke please submit your query to zeke@zekehelp.com. We cannot guarantee that your submission will be published, but Zeke will do his best to help as many of you as possible.
About Zeke: Zeke doesn’t talk much, but when he does, everybody listens. As the folks say, “Zeke’s all dummied up, but he ain’t no dummy.”
Enamel Control
Zeke,
For the past couple years my dentist has been bringing his dog to work with him. It’s well-behaved for a dog, but it still sniffs around my shoes and just generally bothers me. I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of dogs, but in general I don’t think a dog belongs in a dentist’s office. I know I could find another dentist, but I’ve been going to this one for a long time, and he’s a very good dentist. I just can’t bring myself to switch, but I don’t think I can keep going there as long as the dog is in the office. I’d just like to find a way to get rid of the dog without offending the dentist. What should I do? I was thinking about filing an anonymous complaint with OSHA.
From Zeke:
Well, first thing you do is what you don’t do: Don’t call OSHA. I don’t think they care if there’s a dog in the office. All they’re gonna do is make sure the dog is wearing a hard hat.
This is a tricky problem for you. The problem is that you can’t complain about a nice dog. Complaining about nice dogs is like being mean to grannies. Dogs are untouchable in the USA, like cows are in India or frogs are in France. So you can’t complain. Whatever you do, don’t say anything bad about the dog.
So I’ll tell what you do. Bring a live chicken to your next appointment and act like it’s your pet. Make sure you’re all lovey and cuddly with the chicken. Give it a name, something warm and fuzzy like “Mr. Perdue.” When the dentist tells you that you can’t bring a chicken into his office, tell him you don’t like to go anywhere without Mr. Perdue. Tell him that Mr. Perdue gets lonely and that you’re gonna bring him to every appointment from now on so that he can play with the dog. I guarantee that next time you go in for an appointment the dog won’t be there. Either that or the dentist will drop you as a patient, in which case you’ll have to find a new dentist, but you’d have to do that anyway if you couldn’t convince the dentist to leave his dog at home.
Whatever you do, don’t go to a dentist in India, ‘cause a cow getting its teeth cleaned ain’t a pretty sight.
Scrimp on the Barbie
Zeke,
My gas grill is eight years old, and it’s getting kind of rusty and worn out. It looks like it will need new burners and cooking grates, and maybe a few other things. I’ll probably have to spend about $100 to fix it up. Do you think I should fix the old grill or bite the bullet and spend $300 on a new one?
From Zeke:
Buying new things is nice, but it’s not always the best thing to do. If you buy a new grill you have to throw out the old grill, which clutters up a landfill and pollutes the earth.
I’d like to see you take a stand against this throw-away culture of ours and fix the old grill. People used to be resourceful. People used to mend their britches when they wore out. People used to do the right thing and fix stuff when it broke, not throw it out and buy something new ‘cause it was easier.
Of course if I were in your situation, I’d just buy a new grill. That’s why it’s even more important for you to take a stand.
Musty or Mustn’t He
Zeke,
My family and I have been living in a rented bi-level house for the past five months. It’s a decent house overall, but the downstairs living room smells so musty that no one wants to spend any time down there, and my wife and I won’t let our 5 year-old son play in a room that (we think) may have moldy carpet. The fact that we seem to be living with unhealthy air is very upsetting. It’s also upsetting that we’re paying rent to use that living space and we can’t really use it. We’re also concerned that everything we keep downstairs, especially the furniture, will be ruined by the stink. I’ve asked the landlord to replace the carpet, but he says he won’t. He won’t even admit that there’s a smell and has hinted that I’m just scheming to get new carpet. The truth is that I really don’t care about the carpet, what I want is clean air, but the landlord stubbornly refuses to address the problem. What should I do?
From Zeke:
I’ll tell you what you do. The first thing you do is go out and buy yourself two electronic air purifiers, and make sure they have HEPA filters. HEPA filters are made of a fibers that tiny particles will stick to, like flypaper for mold. You take one of the air purifiers and put it in your downstairs room and let it run continuously. It may take a week or so, but the stink will go away. These HEPA filters are used all the time in homes but they’re also in hospitals, laboratories, big factories. They’re industrial. They can get the stink out of almost anything. Once you got your first air purifier set up, then get the second air purifier, take it over to the landlord’s house, and tell him to stand next to it and see if the stink goes away. HEPA filters can get the stink out of almost anything.
The first scenario of how this will play out is that the landlord will get the point that you’re trying to tell him. That’s the best outcome—you get clean air, the landlord looks like an ninny. In scenario two, the landlord might not get the joke or might not want to get the joke. He might act like you’re just giving him an air purifier, maybe as a present to show your appreciation for him not replacing the carpet. And next time you need something fixed, he might hold out for another gift, like a new refrigerator. In this scenario, you get the clean air, but the landlord gets new appliances, which you paid for, in his own house.
Now, scenario one is most likely to happen, but who knows? Sometimes the dumbasses win.
Curses Foiled Again
To Zeke,
I’m glad I found your site. Here’s what I’d like your opinion about: I live in a townhouse and share a wall with a loud neighbor. He watches football games on TV every weekend and yells at the game—in other words at the TV. He yells loud—really loud—which is bad enough, but he also curses really loud. I have a three year-old daughter who has to listen to the neighbor yelling “fuck” and other things at the top of his lungs. I can put up with the noise, but I don’t want my daughter hearing words like that. What should I do about this? How do I get my neighbor to quiet down?
From Zeke:
I’ll tell you what–you’re gonna win and he’s gonna lose. The first thing you do is you walk next door and ask your neighbor to keep it down. He’ll get mad at you and turn up the TV and then scrape up the finish on your car with a key. And that’s when you really got him, ’cause you’ll be hiding behind the shrubs the whole time taking photos. And then you pop out from behind the shrubs and show him the photos and you give him a wicked look and say, “Keep it down from now on, okay,” and then have your daughter say to him, “Yeah, fuck you!”
Cruci-Fix
To Zeke,
A friend of mine is pregnant and is decorating the baby’s nursery. She’s got all the normal stuff in it, a crib, stuffed animals, etc., but she has also hung a crucifix conspicuously on the wall. I find it distasteful. It’s scary, actually. I want to tell my friend that I think she should take down the crucifix, but I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything. She’s very religious and would be really offended if I told her point blank that a nursery is no place for a crucifix. How should I handle this?
From Zeke:
I’ll tell you what you do. The first thing you do is, you sit her down and make her watch The Exorcist. It won’t help, but it sure will be fun to watch her reaction! Next thing is, here’s what you don’t do: Don’t say anything bad about the crucifix, ‘cause that’s gonna confuse her and make her angry. If she don’t already see that the crucifix may not be appropriate for a baby’s eyes, you ain’t gonna convince her that it ain’t appropriate. The good news is, there’s lots of people like your friend out there. So this is an opportunity for you to do something nice for all those babies with a crucifix in their nursery—and for you to make lots of money, too. This is what my cousin Virgil calls an “entrepreneurial opportunity” and it’s also a win-win situation.
Now here’s what you do: Start a baby toy company that manufactures crucifixes that are appropriate for babies’ eyes. You can do this right in your basement. Take an Elmo doll and stick it on a cross. All your friend’s friends are gonna see it and want one, and then you sell your product to them. Then you can branch out into other products, like dioramas of Ernie and Bert sacking Constantinople and Barney conducting the Inquisition. Soon enough you’re gonna have your own factory and a million dollars in the bank, and babies everywhere are gonna sleep better.
Tiramisuse
Zeke,
My husband has a lifelong aversion to cheese. He’s not allergic to it, he just doesn’t like it. He won’t eat anything with cheese in it—unless he doesn’t know there’s cheese in it. You see, about a year ago we went out to eat and he ordered tiramisu for dessert, and he loved it. Since then, he’s been ordering it whenever he sees it on a menu. The problem is, I just found out that tiramisu is made with mascarpone cheese, but my husband still doesn’t know. Should I tell my husband about this and ruin tiramisu forever, or should I keep this information to myself, even though I’d basically be lying to him?
From Zeke:
This here is a no-brainer—you keep lying to him. If you love your husband, you should lie to him to make sure that you don’t upset him. How’s he gonna feel if he finds out he’s been eating cheese this whole time? And you’re gonna ruin his favorite dessert for him. He’s never gonna eat tiramisu again. He may never eat dessert again. In fact, he may start seeing cheese everywhere and stop eating altogether. So you should keep lying if you love your husband.
Now, if you can’t stand your husband, you should also keep lying to him. Any time he makes you hot under the collar, you can feel better knowing that he’s making a fool of himself with his tiramisu. Better yet, when you two are feuding you can look like the peacemaker by going out and buying him a slice of his favorite tiramisu.
Anyway, your husband may already know about the cheese but doesn’t want to admit it, and he may know that you know, so he’s really counting on you to keep lying so that you can both keep lying. That’s the secret to a healthy marriage!